As bonfire night fast approaches, a night in which the UK public revel in setting a long dead man on fire, fireworks were about to erupt at Long Road as the men from South put the league on note tonight. A group of men, previously ridiculed by this author as a band of geriatrics, came to the fortress ready for war. The general sentiment from them was “enough is enough”. The team had sat comfortably dead last in the league table for far too long.

Long Sutton, henceforth referred to as the “green goblins”, strutted into town sitting 3rd in the table and confident that they would deliver a beat down, but a newly revitalised south team, henceforth referred to as the “purple people eaters” would sure have something to say about this. After disappointing outcomes against Wisbech and Peterborough and faint rumours of a need for a leadership change, captain Seb D guaranteed the team that today was the day that the winning would begin. A strong claim considering the two team’s records thus far but nevertheless, the purple people eaters felt fuelled by his confidence.

The game began shaky with the people eaters feeling some early pressure. Captain Seb had been blessed with the gift of foresight and predicted the green goblins would come out with a strong aerial attack and sure enough the skies blackened with a barrage of aerial passes. The people eaters were not to be deterred, and a carefully crafted short corner routine saw them go 1 goal up. This would be short lived however as the goblins would soon answer back with their own short corner routine that saw the game tied.

With captain Seb’s guarantee running through their heads, the people eaters switched gears and turned up the intensity. Gone were the days of poor decision making and an over reliance on dribbling. The people eaters instead began a sequence of beautiful, team-oriented hockey that saw them put 2 more goals past the goblins, allowing them to go into half time with their heads held high and a 2-goal advantage.

As the second half began, it became clear that the green goblins were deflated. The swagger with which they walked into the grounds was replaced by a look of confusion and whisperings of “I thought these guys were bottom of the table”. The people eaters kept up the pressure, showing no signs of mercy. The second half saw 2 more goals netted and thus captain Seb’s guarantee was complete. Full time and a fantastic 5-1 victory to the fearsome purple people eaters. Their season is finally on the upswing. Lights out and away they go!!

Joe W earned himself man of the match with an impressive hattrick on his birthday, in front of his incredibly proud daughter. Other special mentions go to Dave S who once again showed off his class, proving to all on the team that it doesn’t matter where on the pitch they play him, he’ll still be the people eaters’ best player.  Sources say that his transfer to the 2s squad is in the process of being completed. 2s VC Andy W has been spotted lurking around at 3s training, feigning an aura of friendship when his true motives are more sinister. Nevertheless, the bureaucracy around these transfers is almost as tricky to navigate as the turbulent waters of the Bermuda triangle and thus the 3s can rejoice in maintaining the flying Irishman’s services for now. Other special mentions go the Chris C who once again demonstrated a killer instinct in the opposition D and whilst he was unfortunate to score today, with 2 of his would-be goals being poached by unnamed teammates, it’s only a matter of time before this rising star starts to fend off calls from higher up teams. 

This author was informed that his news reports air on the side of being too long and so will not, as previously planned, devote a single paragraph to every player on the team for their fantastic performances however,  a final note goes to the much missed Shin K who returned to the team after battling through illness and recovery the last few months. His impact was immeasurable, and one could easily correlate his return to the team with the beginnings of an upward trend for the purple people eaters.

Lemon was awarded to Mr Josh Oldfield on his second game back to hockey after an extended absence. It’s clear that Mr Oldfield took some wrestling classes in his time away from the beautiful game as he proceeded to demonstrate these newfound skills on a child. We at the CSHC news agency do not condone any forms of violence and hope Mr Oldfield can demonstrate more restraint in the future.

Now the rumours of false reporting that have plagued this author are finally dead in the water, you can expect more regular reporting on this historic come back season from the reborn M3s side. I’d like to once again remind all readers that this news agency is the only reputable reporting outlet in the long road vicinity.

This has been Riccardo N reporting for CSHC news.