This week's theme, by popular request: skin conditions.

The girls turned up to Wilberforce looking like a dermatologist’s waiting room, because this team was absolutely covered in (skin) problems for the opposition.

• Lucy – Eczema

Warning: persistent condition. Avoid close contact. Long-term sufferers can develop thickened, leathery skin — which might explain why nothing gets past her. Chronic, stubborn and completely resistant to forwards.

• Amy - Impetigo

Highly contagious. One sprint from Amy quickly becomes a full-blown outbreak, with teammates flooding forward to join and defenders desperately trying to contain the infection. By the time the opposition have treated one outbreak, the redness has spread again.

• Katie – Wart

Rough, determined, and surprisingly hard to get rid of. Katie spent the afternoon clinging on to possession like a wart that refuses to budge. The opposition tried to freeze her out, only to discover that over-the-counter treatments weren't going to cut it for this particularly stubborn condition.

• Kerryn – Rash

All over the opposition. Side effects included causing irritation, repeated breakouts of pace, and severe discomfort for anyone trying to mark her. Highly persistent, and by full-time, City were desperate for relief from our POM (Pathological Opposition Menace).

• Amelia – Acne, specifically a stubborn spot

No point trying to squeeze her out of the game, she’ll always pop up on a big day to cause trouble. Constantly flaring up in dangerous areas and impossible to contain or ignore. Once back to full fitness, expect an even nastiest breakout.

• Evie - Dermatitis

Persistent and inflammatory. Repeatedly diagnosed breaking down play, being a nuisance, and causing flare-ups with her stick skills. Possibly linked to a weakened immune system — although in her case, we suspect it's a side effect of spending too much time on holiday.

• Izzy MP - Verruca

Been around for years, deeply rooted, and with a bad reputation (refer Naughty Step). Near impossible to remove when she has the ball. Like any respectable verruca, she thrives in warm, damp environments, and in the opposition D. Sadly, there is no known cure.

• Izzy S - Athlete's Foot

A thoroughly unpleasant condition, and a suspiciously accurate diagnosis. City advised to wash their socks at 90 degrees and seek immediate medical attention if they came into contact. Also thrives in the grotty places (see above – possibly symptomatic of shared environment rather than just personal hygiene).

• Jenny – Third Degree Burn

Known for redness, blistering (pace), and leaving long-lasting damage. For the opposition - symptoms included scorched forwards, rapidly deteriorating morale and a lingering sense of regret for going to close to her. Opposition well and truly burned.

• Alice - Hidradenitis Suppurativa

A chronic condition known to cause painful abscesses in the armpits. Might explain where that lost ball disappeared to during a brief but medically suspicious interruption to play. A case best left for the specialists. LOM – Lesion of the Match.

• Emily – Chickenpox

Primarily associated with children, which feels fitting. Symptoms include fever, fatigue and headaches — all of which mysteriously appeared among the opposition as soon as Emily got on the ball. Thoroughly irritating for defenders and no cure in sight. Had Emily been our LOM, she would have been diagnosed as a Little Offensive Microbe.

• Maegan – Pruritus (a chronic itch)

The medical term for an itch that simply won't go away. Symptoms included relentless tackling, endless running, and an almost pathological need to get under the opposition's skin. Doctors recommend rest, but Maegan ignored that advice - City forwards left nowhere to scratch in peace.

• Kim – Scabies

A classic, old-school infestation. Like the parasitic mite responsible, Kim spent the afternoon burrowing under City's skin, causing persistent irritation and making herself thoroughly unwelcome. Add in a few crusty remarks, she left one opponent questioning whether their stick should be examined by a medical professional. An infestation of the highest order.

• Tess - Psoriasis

Known to cause itching, burning and soreness with her skills. Determined to spread herself from one end of the pitch to the other, an unbearable condition that no amount of scratching (tackles) can relieve. Medical advice recommends avoiding the irritant. Recovery not possible - there is no avoiding Tess.

• Zehra – Necrosis

The death of body tissue. Specifically, the death of opposition attacks and dreams. Time and time again she stepped to destroy any before they could develop. Terminal diagnosis for any shots on target.

We produced a performance that would have made a dermatologist (or at least Tim) proud. The opposition spent the afternoon scratching, suffering repeated flare-ups and searching desperately for a cure. Unfortunately for them, there is currently no known treatment for such a full-strength outbreak of this team.

Prognosis - top of the table! Hopefully continued winning form will be as contagious as our skin conditions.