When the skipper approached me with a mission, I was thrilled - missions are fun, especially top secret missions. And after my brief, and blurry, appearance on national television I was ready to be back.

He said, "Colin, I'm concerned about these rumors that MDad are looking to take over MWon. I need you to infiltrate their ranks and see if they are going to attempt a coup."

Way ahead of you, Stu.

Nine months later my investigations are going well. I've managed to successfully become a member of MDad with the birth of a baby boy. The ringleader, "Average" Aston, has welcomed me into the clique with open arms - but I fear Stu's concerns are misguided: all MDad do is wake up early and talk in ever-increasingly poor puns. No, MDad aren't a concern, something else is looking to take over the MWon squad. My investigations have led me to this point, and a possible lead into a new breed of MWon player.

October 27^th, MWon Vs Bourne 2s; on paper a simple game - second against bottom of the table, but MWon like to make it look more interesting than it actually is. I settle into my trademark bush to keep an eye on the match - my old team are doing well, 3 wins, a draw and a loss. Promotion looks a very strong possibility.

The game starts well, South have all the pressure - good stuff. My ex-wingman was partnered with Stu at the back and they were mopping up anything that Bourne came through with. Dave and Joel (an adopted member of MDad) were also tidying up well, Joel making a mid-air deflection on a short to prevent a certain goal. A quick break from the back led to Tom K getting a lucky deflection from a Bourne player, sending the ball into the back of the goal. One-nil.

Lots of young, fresh and fit new players in the MWon squad, always talking about their park runs and double doggies. I should make a note to keep an eye on them.

Bourne equalize from a short corner that slips past Darren, who makes up for the mistake by saving the next three drag flicks that come his way. South have all the possession, bombarding the opposition D with crosses and getting plenty of short corners. Eventually Harry Lewis converts. James and Harry in the middle are working well, a new combination. Both like to relinquish the ball and create chances.

Second half, South push on for more goals but only one comes: Pearson buries a short corner on the second attempt, Some cards get distributed to both teams and everyone is happy.

This is very troublesome indeed. MDad have never been the threat. I must inform Stu of my new findings. I get a call, the line is distorted. "Colin, we have much to discuss *oink* *oink*. Let's meet later outside the Blue." The voice sounds muffled, and there are faint squeals in the background. Nevermind, must be in my head.

Outside the Blue while I'm waiting for Stu, the previous call troubles me. I mutter a reassuring "Ready" to calm my nerves. Out of the mist of the night three figures emerge, oinking and squealing and all wearing dungarees.

"Ha, funny guys. It's because I'm a copper, right?"

"Colin… Oink!"

I mutter another reassuring "Ready" to myself.

"Colin, we can't have you messing up our plans." As they get closer I see…pig masks, horrid bloody pig masks, and the stench of latex.

"Colin, MDad were a diversion, we needed to keep eyes away as we took over." Three of them surround me, all dressed the same; the three little piggies.

"But, Stu sent me to save MWon!" I shout as they close in.

"We. Are. M-Won"