Towards the Comparison and Contrast of Area Fifty-Ones

Rob Barton


The Cambridge South Hockey Club treasurer, Amalia, submitted her Ph.D. today [1].  The title "Photoelastic study of granular free surface flow rheology and size segregation" is almost as cool as "Multi–Strange Hyperon Production in Relativistic Heavy–Ion Collisions".  Anyway, in honour of that achievement this match report will be written in the style of a thesis and subject to peer review.


Towards the Comparison and Contrast of Area Fifty-Ones


An experiment held on 28th September 2019 showed there to be similarities but substantial differences between the Cambridge (visitor) Area 51 and the St Neots (host) counterpart.  The evidence showed a steady progression despite somewhat disappointing results.

Author's Contribution

The author coordinated the team, arranged the meet, participated in the match and received the hardly prestiguous Lemon of the Match award.  Danny on the other hand achieved outstanding research to warrant the coveted Man of the Match gong.


This thesis is dedicated to Paul's calf and Jamie's lip.


The community would like to thank our hockey experiment collaborators for an enjoyable experience, the players for efforts, the sun for shining, and small white balls for being spherical.

Chapter 1 - Experimental Setup

We knew it was going to be tough [2].  The last experiment didn't yield favourable results and much frustration by the wild Area 51 ensued.  This time was going to be different with renewed vigour, some new experimentalists, some new mentalists, and a different layout.  

The preparation phase was stinted by a muscular malfunction which looked painful [3].  The hosts agreed to change the primary spherical facilitator colour to the more universally visible white.  As a thank you the travelling participant passed said spherical facilitator to the hosts thus earning citric recognition.

Chapter 2 - First Dataset

General positivity from both sets of participants.  The visitors secured two short routines to no avail; the hosts almost identified a breakthrough but the visitor defensive wideness deflector achieved the desired angle of delight.  Neither Area 51s looked concerned.

No data at the break.  General contentment and optimism.  The experiment was going well.  

Chapter 3 - Second Dataset

The experimental ran and host Area 51 showed small signs of irritation.  In contrast, aside from one contorted spasm of concern, visiting Area 51 showed no signs of erupting.  However, as data handle churned, host Area 51 became more explosive and needed intervention from the governor.  Pressure was building and one host participant was invited to the green conference chair of tranquility.

The first event record was a sphere-target collision fell for the hosts after a poor transfer was met by interceptors, transferred between nodes and inserted into the target.  Rethink but not disaster.  However, a second sphere-target collision occurred after a possessive ownership negation catastrophe [4].

Mustn't've-been-deliberate [5] entanglement in the hot zone lead to only a short routine though justice was done when a quick double-reacting youth ensured a sphere-target collision for the visiting collaborators.  Hope was restored.  Area 51s were aggrevated yet contained.

A disastrous skipper-driven powerdrive was reangled into a visitor debutant's chin ouch [3].  The red liquid seeped out.  Play resumed but not for long.  Time ran out.  Luck ran out.  The team walked off.  Another day it would have to be.  A future repeat experiment is in order.  Both Area 51s shook hands; fortunately there was no observation of matter-antimatter annihilation.

Chapter 4 - Results and Conclusion

Both Area 51s showed signs of mild aggitation but no explosions were observed in this experiment.  The data collected showed substantial positivity and quality improvement.  Raw numbers of sphere-target collisions were statistically insignificant.  The experimental results proved inconclusive and need repeating in January 2020 in order to confer a more realistic and satisfactory conclusion.  It was agreed that the outcome ought to be different [6].

Appendix A - Glossary of Terms

Area 51: A highly classified area which may or may not house alien life forms.
Hockey: A brilliant game played between two teams using sticks and a ball.


[1] A. Thomas, Whats App CSHC social message, Cambridge (2019).
[2] J. Brynjolffssen, Club Preview, 4,834 words, Cambridge (2019).
[3] The participants wish the collaborator a speedy recovery, Cambridge (2019).
[4] "He's behind you", pantomime quote, most towns, (Christmas time).
[5] See rule 12.4b, FIH rules of hockey, FIH (2019).
[6] D. Monck, Private Communication, Cambridge (2019).


Jan Brynjolffssen 2 weeks, 6 days ago

And in a flash, 20 years effort to in trying to bury the idea that Cambridge South are a bunch of nerdy Sci/Tech types is utterly undermined.

[Congratulations on submitting, Ama!]

Rob Barton 2 weeks, 4 days ago

You might suggest that but the evidence is clear to the contrary. :-)

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Danny McCree
Man of the Match

Feisty fullback play, bursting runs, solid tackling

Rob Barton
Lemon of the Match

Late for his own meet, sent pushback to the opposition, got fouled.