Dear friends, compatriots, acquaintances. I deliver to you a match report like no other. A match report that took me to the edges of the world and back; to the end of my wits and back (sort of).

It started the day after Saturday’s match - a game truly of two halves, starting with fiery passion, ending with a whimper. Ollie had finished writing his match report, and sat proudly in front of his work, if rather salty, or soggy, after receiving a lazy and uncreative Lemon vote.

It was at this point that a mysterious man in a black mask covering half of his face tapped on Ollie’s shoulder and enquired about what he was writing. Before he could respond, the man quickly injected Ollie with a tranquiliser and proceeded to steal the match report, copying it on to a USB and deleting the original!

By the time our hero came around, the man had disappeared, but more importantly, so had the match report. Unwilling to relinquish his original work of genius, Ollie found a passing security guard in order to track the movements of the masked man on CCTV. They found that the masked man had exited the building through the cleaner’s exit, then jumped into a Ford C-Max.

Using the licence plate, Ollie got into the DVLA database and tracked down the car to it’s address. Jumping on to his electric skateboard he made his way to the deviant’s house; as he arrived the man was leaving his driveway. Without a second thought for his safety, thinking only of his team and duty, Ollie grabbed on to the rear of the car and hitched a ride to the unknown destination. The journey took him down the M11 to Stansted Airport. After hanging on for almost an hour at 80mph our protagonist was exhausted, but he doggedly followed the villain into Arrivals.

The thief’s destination appeared to be Peru. So, our martyr sneaked into the underbelly of his plane and caught a lift to Lima District. Tracking our adversary towards his evening abode, Ollie made his first mistake. A toe curling crunch as he stepped on a can alerted the thief to his presence. At once he fled into the night, with Ollie “the engine” Scott pounding after him.

The chase led to the pair climbing a 5 star hotel. Upon reaching the roof, a helicopter was awaiting the perpetrator, and he jumped in just as it was taking off. Ollie launched himself at the last moment and managed to grab a rail with one hand before being whisked 1000ft into the air!

When the helicopter finally landed, Mexican flags were clearly on display. Chilled to the bone, our champion caught a glimpse of his nemesis fleeing the landing pad in a Jeep. Ollie searched around and found a dirt bike, kick-started it and gave chase.

All across Northern Mexico they raced, until they came to an impressive 2ft wall made of chicken wire - they had reached the US of A. Onwards they raced, and once they ran out of fuel, both ditched their vehicles and the chase continued on foot. Finally, bedraggled and barely drawing breath, the vast Pacific Ocean lay before them. Without a second thought, the malfeasant jumped into a sailing yacht and set out to sea. South’s humble disciple bounded into an unattended yacht and raised the sail in pursuit. They fought the winds together, neither gaining an inch. After crossing the Bering Sea and reaching Japan both contenders decided that food and water were an overbearing concern. White flags were waved, and resources were taken aboard. Half a day of peace reigned between these two titanic athletes.

On the morning of the following day, sails were hoisted. Battling typhoons through Malaysia, and the dead calm of the Arabian Sea, Ollie began to wonder of the identity of his tormentor. He thought he had it sussed, but needed proof by ripping off the mask. Some foul politics were afoot.

It was in the jungles of Madagascar when Ollie finally trapped the antagonist, grabbed his shoulder and discarded the mask… Of course…Neil…. The confession that followed confirmed Ollie’s suspicions. The match report must be delayed to upset Jan and discredit the 3s. They were becoming too successful, and threatening to have a legitimate claim to train with the 1s and 2s. All of this, over pitch space…

Ollie never did recover that match report, but instead brings you something far far more important. Justice.